Chapter 1 - Rehab Romance - Introduction - February 25th 2008
Originally written in 2008, reflecting the origin of
this story from December 1st 2006, this chapter has been updated to
reflect the return of the author to this particular time period in his life…
Hey there!
Hope you’re well!
Ever go to
Rehab? You should, just for the cultural experience. And that’s also to say,
that I hope you don’t need to go, you know, for substance abuse or mental
health issues, but seriously, consider giving it a whirl! I mean seriously,
wouldn’t you love to be a fly on the wall in the Rehab where Lindsay Lohan
went? Brittney Spears?! Sweet! Imagine that conversation, “You need to go to Rehab
girlfriend…”, “No, you do, BEE-ATCH!” Nice! Yeah baby, thank you popular
culture, for making Rehab an acceptable and glamorous place!
It’s…Sin-sational! And speaking of
which, what’s up with that Amy Winehouse song, “I don’t want to go to Rehab”?!
Did you notice her name is Winehouse?! What’s up with that?! So imagine you’re
in Rehab with Lindsay and Brittney, and for recreation time you can watch the
MTV Videos, and you’d be there dancing around with Lindsay and Brittney,
singing along with Amy talking about her not wanting to be there with you!
“Sucka, you in Rehab! Blap!”
So anyway, it’s
like, say, a trip to Ireland
So, go to Rehab,
and see…FUCKED UP THINGS! Yeah!
Okay, so
you’re in Rehab. You’re there for a reason; substance abuse. Therefore you have
a disease you suffer from. YOU CAN’T GET ENOUGH! MORE is the order of the day,
because that’s your disease; that more is never enough. But, face it…you can’t
do drugs anymore, because you’re in Rehab, Baby! The second thing you suffer
from is terminal uniqueness. That’s right, nobody, oh, so sorry, nobody
understands, NEVER could possibly understand; even if they had lived your life
they couldn’t possibly understand, of course you need to abuse substances…!
You are
there to address substance abuse, so you need to concentrate.
So, what’s the first thing they
tell you in Rehab?
DON’T START
A RELATIONSHIP!
Just don’t!
Don’t do
it…!
Oh….I
caught you….you’re doing it already! Ha-ha.
But
seriously, that’s the first thing they tell you.
They don’t
say that you’re here for a reason, that you’re here to get better, nope….they
say, DON’T START A RELATIONSHIP! DO NOT HOOK UP!
I’ve heard
a saying in my twelve step program, “Two dead batteries still won’t start a
car.” Ha-ha. Yes, that’s true. But isn’t it human nature that induces us to
seek out companionship? Isn’t it physiology that compels us to the sanctuary of
a warm loving embrace? It is.
I know that
as a guy I’m driven by my nut sack, or as they used to say on the Opie and
Anthony Radio show, by my yam bag. Ha-ha. It’s just true!
So, I’m
here to tell you, I met a girl in Rehab, and I’m deeply in love with her. She’s
the most beautiful, wonderful woman I’ve ever met! And I wouldn’t trade the
experience for the world; more about that in a minute, so keep your pants on…
That being
said, I need to explain something. There’s a concept in this world, it’s called
“That’s just wrong!” It means something so absurd it’s funny. You see something
and say to your buddy in shock and amazement “That’s just wrong!” Ha-ha. There
are a lot of things in life that are just wrong. Just to set the record
straight, hooking up in Rehab is…Just Wrong!
There’s
another similar expression I like, to describe certain situations, “It was very
wrong, on many, MANY levels...” We will use that phrase through out this story;
please feel free to interject it on your own!
Listen, the
truth is….substance abuse is a life and death matter. Recovery is a life and
death matter. I know that, and I’ve had plenty of experience learning it the
hard way. Yes I take it seriously, which is why I say, for me, and you, you should
start to see your life as being very wrong, on many, many levels…
Did you ever notice, issues are like
opinions, and assholes, everybody has one? Or in the case of issues, how about,
um, a dozen?! I have so many issues that
I have issues with my issues. Ha-ha.
So, you’re in Rehab, you’re there because the number one issue is
substance abuse. You will die, or worse yet, live a miserable existence
continuing to hurt people who care about you, if you continue using.
So, the first thing they say is,
don’t start a relationship!
So it’s obvious why they do that.
You’re here to get yourself
straightened out, not get laid! You had the chance to do that while you were
using, and hopefully you got your nut off, because it ain’t happening here…!
Ha-ha.
But seriously, you’re in Rehab to
figure things out, sort out your life, get prepared to live a happy and
productive sober life. That’s why you’re there.
You’re not there to do any of those
things for someone else!
Therefore, don’t start a
relationship!
Okay, so say there’s a Rehab in
every state, and every Rehab has 1000 people in it, and every Rehab has 2
people in it that hook up, that’s 50 states times 2 people, that’s 100
people….so I’d say, the odds are, that only one couple will make it, and the
other 98 people will continue to have problems…because they started a
relationship in Rehab!
If you went by real numbers the
statistics are huge, and I’d say that the true percentage of successful Rehab
relationships actually goes down dramatically.
I’m here to tell the story of my
true to life Rehab Romance.
In this story
we will examine many issues pertinent to well being; self worth, self esteem,
honesty, trust, respect, addiction, recovery, enabling, co-dependency, and many
more. And then we’ll talk about the interaction between me and my Sweetheart,
with both of us going through the same issues! At the same time! Or any
combination of the above! It’s like a Chinese menu, “Yes, I’d like a serving of
shame with a side of enabling, hold the humility, and please give me an order
of “true wish to honor my partner” to go..!”
This is the true story, the behind
the scenes footage, the Producer’s Cut, of those of us charged with fixing our
lives, and what we really do, running amok under the guise of “sober behavior”...
And, OF COURSE, there will be lots of
love Baby! Yeah! This is, after all, a Rehab Romance!
No comments:
Post a Comment