A Word From The Dead 'Rehab Romance' The Original Lolita Anti-Christ Posthumously By D N R
In the summer of 2006; they were
offering me a loan. To use however I wanted. You should be able to see trouble
coming like a fucking freight train right about ….now!
I remember
making the phone call to find out about accepting the loan. I got the details.
I hesitated for a micro second. Then I said, “I’ll be there tomorrow!”
I spent the
summer and fall of 2006 drinking and frequenting prostitutes like I never had
before, and stopped taking any medication or continuing with mental health
therapy.
And then I
lost my job, my Mom refused to let me see my kids at her house and it was time
to get help again. Thus, I ended up at the Crisis Center in Poughkeepsie New York
And there
on December 1st, 2006, I would meet Ann.
So I went
into a Crisis Center here in Poughkeepsie, New York. I have a special affinity,
a place in my heart for the program, and I owe them a debt of gratitude. I
still go there for occasional meetings.
It is not a
rehab, a PLACE to RE-HABILITATE; but a place where someone can go to dry out… a
place where you can receive counseling and assistance, and set a plan to move
on to a higher level of care…and hopefully, Rehabilitation…ha!
I had been at
this facility before in 2003; it was the start of my journey to actual Rehab in
January of 2004, but here I was, I needed to be there again in 2006. I was
stuck on stupid, I was obsessed with drinking, and prostitutes, and I was
compelled to do it all over again, re-live the madness, every chance I could,
until the money ran out...and then… all I wanted was to drink...
This time
around was a little different however. In January 2004 I had not been taking
any medicine for my Manic Depression. This time around I knew what to do. I
started taking my medication, they increased the dosage of one medicine and I
started supplementing with another, and I began to feel great mentally and
emotionally very quickly. It was almost Christmas 2006, and I didn’t want to
disappoint my children, I didn’t want to be in “Rehab” again, like I was the
Christmas of 2003, I HAD TO get better, and quickly…
I didn’t
have any insurance, so I couldn’t go to Rehab because I couldn’t pay for it, but
the Crisis Center boss said I could stay until the fog had lifted and I could
go back out into the world. That was all I needed at the time. Or so I thought…HA!
The fog, Dear Sweet Ann, only intensified!
So,
realistically speaking, here’s where I was at.
There is
this thing called Step One in A.A. It says, “We admitted we were powerless over
alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable.” I always have said “I was powerless
over life and my use of alcohol was unmanageable”. That’s me, always fooling
with things; I have to put my own twist on it.
But to me
it’s true; alcohol was just another thing I wanted to control in my world. The
point then becomes that when you realize alcohol IS running your life, that’s
when you have to admit you are powerless over it. That point I did not get
until sometime in 2009.
I have
always had a reservation; that if I could manage my life I could manage my
alcohol use. No matter what happened or anything else, ANYTHING else; no matter
the price or the consequences, I could do it and have fun. What I failed to
realize was that the alcohol use was the general façade I hid behind, the all
purpose painkiller I could count on, as I struggled with my major issue of self
esteem. This will come up again later in the story, the phrase I have in my
head, “When in doubt, check the fuck out”. No matter what else happened,
alcohol would make it okay.
Then there
is Step 12, “Having had a spiritual awakening, we continued to practice these
principles in all our affairs…”
There was
no spiritual awakening; that was not me, I would never feel or be any
different. To sum it up, it is like the Kate Bush song “The Sensual World”;
that was me then; it is me now, and I know it. Do you know the song? Ever since
I first heard it I identified with it strongly, it summed up my weakness, which
I would not realize for a few years into our story, my endless search for
acceptance and love…and then again, this story is a look and commentary on the
situations in which I thought I’d finally found it…
So I had
tried it, I had tested the waters once again between 2004 and 2006, tried to be
me and enjoy the world I had desired, AGAIN! But no..!.. It’s true, there I was
back in the Crisis Center, I was hurting, I needed to pull my life together,
and I thought drinking was done in my life. The truth is that my reservation
was buried deep in my mind and would wield its substantial influence…
I now
believe in one thing about this program of recovery, that I can’t stress
enough. You will not succeed until you have a spiritual awakening. That’s all.
And for future reference, is a spiritual awakening a moral question, an ethical
question, a religious belief? I love discussing those kinds of things, I’ll
mention it again later in this story, it is relevant…Or is an awakening just
sometimes practical, as in “I’d prefer not to go to jail…so…I have had AN
awakening! (Please read as “Please, stop persecuting me, I’m good…thanks,
GOODBYE..!”) That’s a good one…
So, the
truth is, at the time, I didn’t want to drink anymore, I thought I wouldn’t,
but I didn’t fully understand how profound the need for real actual mental and
emotional change there was needed in all aspects of my life. And the truth is,
I didn’t understand me, not yet, and the reservation I held was all tied up in
it.
So, on
December 1st 2006, I really did want to get my life on track. I
didn’t want to drink. I thought I understood it finally. But I didn’t.
As such, as
usual, I was ripe, ready, and all set, for distraction and diversion.
And I found
it.
I remember
the first time I saw Ann. I remember thinking as I looked at her the first time
in the crisis center, “There’s a new girl here! Wow….!”
I was
floored baby, I was all in from the get go.
Ann is a
beautiful tall thin blonde with striking green eyes, she reminded me of
Elizabeth Montgomery from the old TV show Bewitched, who I always had a crush
on, ever since I was a little kid, so I definitely took notice when I saw her
that first day.
But guess
what? I didn’t pay attention to her. I don’t think I even said hi at first,
even in passing. I was there for a reason, and it was not to get laid! I was
there to concentrate on my recovery! I was thinking about recovery, I was
working it in my mind. I was not concerned about starting a new relationship...if
only because I already had a dysfunctional one! We’ll get to that…
So I wish I
could say it was all immediate attraction, that I cornered her in the laundry
room as she groped for my belt buckle as I French-kissed her, but it’s nothing
as steamy and salacious as that. Nope. I probably said hello eventually and
talked a little at meal or group time.
She told me
later she had noticed me immediately as well, go figure!
The truth
is she began to grow on me. I couldn’t help but look at her, found myself
turning to look at her, looking at her out of the corner of my eye, sneaking a
peek as much and as many times as possible. Hey, recovery is all well and good,
but seriously, I’m a guy, you know?!
So anyway, during
that first week she was there, there was one group time meeting, and the
counselor lady says, “Today we’re going to do something different. Ann is going
to teach us how to make airplanes out of paper, like origami, so you guys, pay
attention.” I’m thinking, NO PROBLEM! Ha-ha.
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