"Rehab Romance"
Author’s Foreword
1 Author’s Foreword – Rehab Romance – March 2011
This story was supposed to be about my life working out well finally; two people, a
man and a woman, who got together, got sober, and had a great life together. It didn’t turn out that
way. The story that started out in hell and began a journey towards happiness took a serious u-turn
that nobody involved seemed to notice until it went straight back to hell in a hand-basket. At best,this
is a cautionary tale; please read this as “Enter at your own Risk”, as in “I would never want YOU to
live through this!”…thanks… This was supposed to be a story about love and happiness that could
overcome obstacles and be long lasting and meaningful. It turned out to be a story of how lust and
shame can ruin your life, and how whether you realize the motivation at the time, selfishness can
undo even the best of intentions. Like I’ve always said, and it’s a phrase that had always stuck in my
head, I put the phrase in a song I wrote; “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”, and then I
said “And I’ve got too many intentions to mention…” There you go, sweetheart! This is a story
about music;
it’s importance to me, weaving in and out of my life and my relationships, for as long as I can
remember, since the age of 5 years old, entranced watching my cousin play at the piano, and the
specific music I gravitated towards and internalized, that
became entrenched in my soul; and then again, my sweetheart, as we always said, “Life has a
Soundtrack”. And most of all, inadvertently, it’s about sex, sexual interaction, and how sex
intertwines with love, and desire, and basic companionship, and finding your “soul-mate” as people
are so fond of saying; and for you my dear, it’s also about the Talking Heads song that says “Love
and money getting all mixed up”… Because this story is about intimate relations, it’s also about the
hardest part of all relationships, communication and trust. So the first thing I’d like to say is, from the
Neon Trees song, “Animal”, is that “I won’t sleep tonight…Oh oh, I want some more..!”, That is the,
repeat, THE, song of my life, FOREVER, because the truth is I can’t sleep. I don’t want to eat, I can
barely work, and if I don’t write this, or try to right this, if you will, I don’t believe I’ll be able or
want to continue with my life. And that’s part of the whole paradox of this situation, and that line
sums it up well. Like saying “I can’t believe this happened, but…I’ll do it again…!” I am a complex
emotional being, and I know that, and I struggle with that.
And all I ever wanted was to be was truly in love. I never cared enough about money or a career or
planning for tomorrow; that’s me. I realized this the other day, about a line I have always said in my
head, “WOW, I’ve lived all my life for this…” as in, “I can’t believe how badly this turned out…”
That’s usually how it would go for a while, and frequently a situation was bad for various reasons,
but not so emotionally painful or for the mentally unbearable reasons as I feel right now, or to borrow
a line from the Charlie Sheen case, re: firing from his role in “Two and a Half Men”, March 2011, to
feel akin to Charlie allegedly suffering from “moral turpitude”; but hey, it’s good enough to be at
least one and a half men all by yourself, all in one, in the first place, right?! I would also use the
phrase because something in my life would be a good thing, as in “Wow, I’ve lived all my life for
THIS..!” as in “I can’t believe I got to have something I wanted!” That has been far and few between
for me in my life. But I got it all right…and I LOVED it… These days, when I feel the wave of
sadness and melancholy and depression crash through my head, overwhelming me and pulling me
like a riptide into the madness, I do stop, and remember, and say to myself, “You signed up for this,
you knew this was how it was going to be…” and I smile, I loved every minute of it, although I
didn’t
know it would bring me to the “Rehab Romance” Author’s Foreward 4 extreme depth of despair that
colors every second of every minute, everyday in my world now. And then there are the
nightmares...I hate sleeping, being “awake” I can take; it’s the nightmares that torment me… As far
as selfishness goes, I am guilty, all my life of this. I know this, and I will continue to pay for it, that’s
fine with me, I’ll pay; but…have you ever heard the phrase, “Thrown under the Bus”? That’s me
right now…thrown under the Bus…I love words, phrases, and their relevance culturally, but I am not,
not happy, relating this torrid history from “under the Bus”. As far as being under the Bus is
concerned, I have been hit by the same driver repeatedly, then driven over by multiple drivers and
buses and simultaneous buses…I’m lucky to be here still… I said the other day, in Court, (thank
you), we’ll catch up to that…I said that I was emotionally devastated…and it was not received well,
I
got a look from someone that could have melted steel, as in “How dare you lie..!” That’s what
happens when you appear to take advantage of someone, use them, or are being suggested to have
abused someone…And the look you get when someone wants to retaliate against you; in this CASE, I
did, believe me, see that accusation coming, ha-ha! And please excuse me, sweetheart
…
