Art

Thursday, December 29, 2016

A Word From The Dead 'Rehab Romance' The Original Lolita Anti-Christ Posthumously By D N R




A Word From The Dead 'Rehab Romance' The Original Lolita Anti-Christ Posthumously By D N R

 In the summer of 2006; they were offering me a loan. To use however I wanted. You should be able to see trouble coming like a fucking freight train right about ….now!
I remember making the phone call to find out about accepting the loan. I got the details. I hesitated for a micro second. Then I said, “I’ll be there tomorrow!”


I spent the summer and fall of 2006 drinking and frequenting prostitutes like I never had before, and stopped taking any medication or continuing with mental health therapy.
And then I lost my job, my Mom refused to let me see my kids at her house and it was time to get help again. Thus, I ended up at the Crisis Center in Poughkeepsie New York in late November 2006.
And there on December 1st, 2006, I would meet Ann.
So I went into a Crisis Center here in Poughkeepsie, New York. I have a special affinity, a place in my heart for the program, and I owe them a debt of gratitude. I still go there for occasional meetings.
It is not a rehab, a PLACE to RE-HABILITATE; but a place where someone can go to dry out… a place where you can receive counseling and assistance, and set a plan to move on to a higher level of care…and hopefully, Rehabilitation…ha!
I had been at this facility before in 2003; it was the start of my journey to actual Rehab in January of 2004, but here I was, I needed to be there again in 2006. I was stuck on stupid, I was obsessed with drinking, and prostitutes, and I was compelled to do it all over again, re-live the madness, every chance I could, until the money ran out...and then… all I wanted was to drink...

This time around was a little different however. In January 2004 I had not been taking any medicine for my Manic Depression. This time around I knew what to do. I started taking my medication, they increased the dosage of one medicine and I started supplementing with another, and I began to feel great mentally and emotionally very quickly. It was almost Christmas 2006, and I didn’t want to disappoint my children, I didn’t want to be in “Rehab” again, like I was the Christmas of 2003, I HAD TO get better, and quickly…
I didn’t have any insurance, so I couldn’t go to Rehab because I couldn’t pay for it, but the Crisis Center boss said I could stay until the fog had lifted and I could go back out into the world. That was all I needed at the time. Or so I thought…HA! The fog, Dear Sweet Ann, only intensified!
So, realistically speaking, here’s where I was at.


There is this thing called Step One in A.A. It says, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable.” I always have said “I was powerless over life and my use of alcohol was unmanageable”. That’s me, always fooling with things; I have to put my own twist on it.
But to me it’s true; alcohol was just another thing I wanted to control in my world. The point then becomes that when you realize alcohol IS running your life, that’s when you have to admit you are powerless over it. That point I did not get until sometime in 2009.
I have always had a reservation; that if I could manage my life I could manage my alcohol use. No matter what happened or anything else, ANYTHING else; no matter the price or the consequences, I could do it and have fun. What I failed to realize was that the alcohol use was the general façade I hid behind, the all purpose painkiller I could count on, as I struggled with my major issue of self esteem. This will come up again later in the story, the phrase I have in my head, “When in doubt, check the fuck out”. No matter what else happened, alcohol would make it okay.
Then there is Step 12, “Having had a spiritual awakening, we continued to practice these principles in all our affairs…”
There was no spiritual awakening; that was not me, I would never feel or be any different. To sum it up, it is like the Kate Bush song “The Sensual World”; that was me then; it is me now, and I know it. Do you know the song? Ever since I first heard it I identified with it strongly, it summed up my weakness, which I would not realize for a few years into our story, my endless search for acceptance and love…and then again, this story is a look and commentary on the situations in which I thought I’d finally found it…
So I had tried it, I had tested the waters once again between 2004 and 2006, tried to be me and enjoy the world I had desired, AGAIN! But no..!.. It’s true, there I was back in the Crisis Center, I was hurting, I needed to pull my life together, and I thought drinking was done in my life. The truth is that my reservation was buried deep in my mind and would wield its substantial influence…
I now believe in one thing about this program of recovery, that I can’t stress enough. You will not succeed until you have a spiritual awakening. That’s all. And for future reference, is a spiritual awakening a moral question, an ethical question, a religious belief? I love discussing those kinds of things, I’ll mention it again later in this story, it is relevant…Or is an awakening just sometimes practical, as in “I’d prefer not to go to jail…so…I have had AN awakening! (Please read as “Please, stop persecuting me, I’m good…thanks, GOODBYE..!”) That’s a good one…


So, the truth is, at the time, I didn’t want to drink anymore, I thought I wouldn’t, but I didn’t fully understand how profound the need for real actual mental and emotional change there was needed in all aspects of my life. And the truth is, I didn’t understand me, not yet, and the reservation I held was all tied up in it.
So, on December 1st 2006, I really did want to get my life on track. I didn’t want to drink. I thought I understood it finally. But I didn’t.
As such, as usual, I was ripe, ready, and all set, for distraction and diversion.
And I found it.
I remember the first time I saw Ann. I remember thinking as I looked at her the first time in the crisis center, “There’s a new girl here! Wow….!”
I was floored baby, I was all in from the get go.
Ann is a beautiful tall thin blonde with striking green eyes, she reminded me of Elizabeth Montgomery from the old TV show Bewitched, who I always had a crush on, ever since I was a little kid, so I definitely took notice when I saw her that first day.
But guess what? I didn’t pay attention to her. I don’t think I even said hi at first, even in passing. I was there for a reason, and it was not to get laid! I was there to concentrate on my recovery! I was thinking about recovery, I was working it in my mind. I was not concerned about starting a new relationship...if only because I already had a dysfunctional one! We’ll get to that…
So I wish I could say it was all immediate attraction, that I cornered her in the laundry room as she groped for my belt buckle as I French-kissed her, but it’s nothing as steamy and salacious as that. Nope. I probably said hello eventually and talked a little at meal or group time.
She told me later she had noticed me immediately as well, go figure!
The truth is she began to grow on me. I couldn’t help but look at her, found myself turning to look at her, looking at her out of the corner of my eye, sneaking a peek as much and as many times as possible. Hey, recovery is all well and good, but seriously, I’m a guy, you know?!
So anyway, during that first week she was there, there was one group time meeting, and the counselor lady says, “Today we’re going to do something different. Ann is going to teach us how to make airplanes out of paper, like origami, so you guys, pay attention.” I’m thinking, NO PROBLEM! Ha-ha.


Just to mention it here, 4 years later, I still have the paper airplane she 

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Untitled Acrylic


Friday, December 23, 2016

Possessed By Genius William S Burroughs Literay Outlaw Artistic Madman

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      “I am getting so far out one day I won't come back at all.” 
― William S. Burroughs                                                                                                                
Artists to my mind are the real architects of change, and not the political legislators who implement change after the fact. (William S. Burroughs)

                                                                         
                                                                         

Smash the control images. Smash the control machine. (William S. Burroughs)


“Shoot the bitch and write a book. That's what I did.” 
― William S. Burroughs
                                                                             

Artists to my mind are the real architects of change, and not the political legislators who implement change after the fact. (William S. Burroughs)


I see painting as an evocative magic, and there must always be a random factor in magic, one which must be constantly changed and renewed. (William S. Burroughs)


Nothing exists until or unless it is observed. An artist is making something exist by observing it. And his hope for other people is that they will also make it exist by observing it. I call it 'creative observation.' (William S. Burroughs)


I don't care if people hate my guts; I assume most of them do. The important question is whether they are in a position to do anything about it. (William S. Burroughs)


I think there are innumerable gods. What we on earth call God is a little tribal God who has made an awful mess. Certainly forces operating through human consciousness control events. (William S. Burroughs)


“Look at these poisonous color maps where flesh trees grow from human sacrifices; listen to these sniggering half-heard words of tenderness and doom from lips spotted with decay” 
― William S. Burroughs


In my writing I am acting as a map maker, an explorer of psychic areas... a cosmonaut of inner space, and I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed. (William S. Burroughs)



In the magical universe there are no coincidences and there are no accidents. Nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen. (William S. Burroughs)


In my writing I am acting as a map maker, an explorer of psychic areas... a cosmonaut of inner space, and I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed. (William S. Burroughs)


During this period of his life, Burroughs was seeking a physical utopia, a place where he could live and act as he wanted with interference from neither official state authority nor unofficial moral authority. In fact, he wanted to live in a place where he was out of place and where consequently he would be free.” 
― Greg A. Mullins